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Walking Toward Healing

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The Surprising Connection Between EMDR and MovementIf you’ve ever felt weighed down by stress, anxiety, or painful memories, you’re not alone. Healing doesn’t always have to be complicated or involve big steps. Sometimes, small and simple things like therapy and movement can bring real change. Two approaches that often work beautifully together are EMDR therapy and walking.

 

EMDR, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is a proven therapy that helps the brain process painful or distressing experiences. It was created by Dr. Francine Shapiro, who made a surprising discovery while taking a walk. She noticed that as her eyes moved naturally from side to side, her stressful thoughts began to lose their intensity. This inspired her to develop EMDR, a therapy that helps the brain heal by using gentle eye movements or other forms of stimulation to reprocess memories and reduce emotional pain.Walking might seem too simple to make a difference, yet it is incredibly powerful for your body and mind. When you walk, especially outside in nature, your body activates what’s called the parasympathetic nervous system. This is your natural “rest and recover” state.

 

As a result, your stress hormones decrease, your breathing slows, and your body starts to relax. Moreover, walking releases endorphins, the natural chemicals that boost your mood and help you feel more grounded and at ease.In addition, walking can support the healing work you do in therapy. Many people find that taking a gentle walk after an EMDR session helps them integrate what they’ve processed and feel more centered. EMDR helps your mind work through emotional wounds, while walking helps your body find calm and balance. Together, they create a rhythm of healing that supports both your emotional and physical well-being.Healing does not always mean doing more. Sometimes, it’s about slowing down, taking a mindful step, and letting your body and mind reconnect. EMDR and walking can be two simple yet powerful ways to help you feel lighter, steadier, and more like yourself again.If you are curious about how EMDR might support your healing journey, or if you simply want to feel more grounded and at peace, I welcome you to reach out. We can walk through your healing process together, one gentle step at a time.

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The Punitiveness Schema-How it affects our relationships

Writer: Maryam Omidbeigy
Maryam Omidbeigy
Oct 15
4 min read

When mistakes never become the past


Couple sitting apart on a sofa after an argument, connected by a tangled red thread

When mistakes never become the past in some relationships, a mistake is more than an incident; it becomes a case that never closes. The person returns to it repeatedly, brings it into new arguments, and struggles to move forward even after an apology and efforts to make amends. One pattern that can contribute to this is the punitiveness schema: a deeply held belief that people deserve harsh punishment for their mistakes, leaving little room for understanding, flexibility, or forgiveness. This harshness may be directed toward others, toward oneself, or both.

When this schema becomes activated in a relationship, a person may become stuck on the other person's mistake, almost as though their mind cannot allow it to belong to the past. A thoughtless comment or a forgotten arrangement may become evidence that the other person is "bad" or "does not care about the relationship." Explanations may sound like excuses, apologies may feel insufficient, and later acts of kindness may fail to change the negative impression. Gradually, a judgment about one action becomes a judgment about the person's entire character.


THE PUNITIVENESS SCHEMA


Hands trying to untangle a knot of red yarn on a wooden table

The punitive filter and passive aggression This pattern can sometimes act as a "punitive or retaliatory filter." Attention shifts from "How have I been hurt, and what do I need for repair?" to "How can I make the other person hurt too?" This reaction is not necessarily conscious. The person may feel that justice has not been served until the other person has suffered enough. As a result, instead of working toward resolution, the relationship remains caught in a cycle of resentment, blame, and keeping score.


Sometimes, this urge to punish appears through passive-aggressive behaviour. Rather than expressing anger or hurt directly, a person may communicate it through sarcasm, deliberate coldness, the silent treatment, intentional non-cooperation, or deliberately delaying something they have agreed to do. They might say, "No, I'm not upset at all," while their behaviour sends a different message: "You need to understand what you did and pay for it." These behaviours can be one expression of the punitiveness schema, although not all passive-aggressive behaviour comes from this pattern. Taking a clearly communicated break to calm down, with an agreed time to return to the conversation, is also different from using silence to punish


Emotional safety and childhood roots


Young girl looking down after spilling a cup while her mother stands over her with arms crossed

As this cycle repeats, the relationship can lose its sense of emotional safety. The other person may feel that there is no opportunity to make amends and that every mistake will be held against them indefinitely. They may become defensive, hide mistakes, or withdraw from conversations. Meanwhile, the person experiencing the punitiveness schema may remain caught in anger and repeatedly replaying events, even when what they most want is acknowledgment, respect, and reassurance that the hurt will not happen again.


The roots of this schema may lie in childhood experiences, particularly when mistakes were met with humiliation, severe criticism, disproportionate punishment, or the withdrawal of affection. A child who repeatedly hears "You must pay for what you did," rather than receiving guidance and an opportunity to make amends, may learn that responding kindly to mistakes is a sign of weakness. If family members also expressed hurt through sarcasm and punitive silence, the child may learn these indirect ways of communicating anger. Such experiences do not affect everyone in the same way, but they can lay the groundwork for similar patterns in adult relationships.


Moving toward repair and boundaries


Couple sitting in armchairs facing each other, talking calmly in a bright living room

Three small steps can help loosen this pattern:


1. Pause before reacting and identify what you need. Ask yourself: "Do I want my hurt to be understood and repaired, or do I want the other person to suffer?" If your anger is intense, arrange a specific time to return to the conversation once you feel calmer.


2. Express hurt directly and specifically. Instead of using sarcasm or expecting the other person to guess what is wrong, say: "I'm upset about what happened, and I need us to talk about it." Describe the behaviour without condemning the person's entire character.


3. Replace punishment with repair and boundaries. Be clear about what needs to change for the relationship to continue, and consider whether the other person is taking responsibility through their actions. If this pattern keeps returning and feels difficult to change, schema therapy can help you explore its roots and practise new responses.


Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, immediately restoring trust, or remaining in a harmful relationship. You can set boundaries, make trust dependent on meaningful changes in behaviour, and even choose to end a relationship.


The goal of changing the punitiveness schema is to let decisions come from a need for care and repair, rather than an urge to punish so that mistakes can be addressed with accountability without being allowed to control the relationship forever.


If this article resonated with you and you are wanting to repair and heal, I would be honoured to walk alongside you. I offer in person and virtual counselling in Coquitlam, BC. You can book a consultation with Maryam here.

 
 
 

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